Please forgive me – a letter to the dog

by Allie P., posted in Life as I know it, Personal Favorites

We pulled out your crate this week, unused for the last three years, and brushed off the cobwebs, only we didn’t do it for you. Another four-legged creature joined the family and needed a place to sleep. I think you would have liked her. She’s a mix of Lab, like you, but Boxer too, which was always your favorite playmate. But she’s not you.

Then again, you might find her strange. She doesn’t chase after cats, or squirrels, or stare at a mysterious nothing in the corner of the room making my neck hairs rise. When we go on walks, I don’t worry my arm might be torn from its socket due to the strength of her pulls. She doesn’t jump on arriving guests, or feel the need to defend the household from the threat of the evil vacuum. Nor does she enjoy running in front of my shins as I attempt to descend the stairs just to ensure I’m paying attention.

People we meet keep telling me she is perfect. But she’s not you.

You would be proud of the boys. How well they’ve adapted to an animal in the house once again. They grin and tell me how happy they are to have her. They’ve helped me bathe her, comb her fur, and brush her teeth. They’re teaching her fetch and sit and shake. She’s so patient with them too. The boys have draped themselves over her body and used outside voices near her ear, and yet she still she wags her tail at their arrival.

We tried to make you proud of us as well. She is a rescue like you were once, but an older pup. We estimate she’s around four years old, but with signs that suggest those years weren’t always easy. When we met her, Kiddo announced proudly that we hadn’t found her, she had found us, echoing the words I once used myself to describe our first encounter with you.

Your dad tells me our family feels complete once again. But she’s not you.

She’s smaller than you were, but only just slightly. She is tall enough that I can scratch her head with my fingertips without bending over but light enough for me to carry when she is feeling particularly stubborn. She has a pink leash and collar, which would have appalled you were you not color blind, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She just seems happy to have found a family.

The other night, after the boys had gone to bed, she hopped on the spot on the couch next to me and laid her head on my lap the way you used to do. Soon I found myself growing tired as I listened to her rhythmic snore. I glanced over and saw tan fur where there once lay black and I had to blink away the tears of my surprise. In my weary state, I’d almost forgotten it wasn’t you. I thought I was ready, but it hit me so hard, just then, how much she’s not you. In that moment, I realized how different a brain’s readiness can be to one’s heart’s.

I felt so guilty. Guilty that I was enjoying her warmth by my side. Guilty that we couldn’t do more to keep you there longer. Guilty I am happy to once again see a bowl on the ground.

But she really is a good girl and I was the one to suggest we bring her home. In fairness to her, I am trying to remember all your flaws as much as I recall your virtues. How you could clear the room after a meal. The books of mine you destroyed. That incident with the bunny.

The trouble is, I loved you with your flaws as much as you loved me with mine.

I remember those early puppy weeks before you were house-broken and the pain inflicted on my arms by your needle sharp teeth and all the reasons we chose not to adopt a puppy this time. I remember wondering if we’d made a mistake back then, injecting your brand of chaos into our lives as I surveyed the damage that once was my living room. But mostly I remember how much we grew to love you over the years that followed. If the decision to bring you home back then was a mistake, it was the best mistake we’ve ever made.

She’s only been with us a few short days and is getting to know us as much as we are getting to know her. She’s not you, true, but she’s herself; a dog who is sweet and mostly well-mannered. A dog who deserves to be loved for who she is rather than considered somehow flawed for who she’s not.

So please forgive me if I eventually allow my heart to stop comparing, as difficult as that seems now. When I scratch her behind her ears or throw her a ball to chase, it doesn’t mean I miss you any less. It will just mean I’ve finally allowed my heart to grow more.

Boxer Lab Mix
Newest member of the family

97 thoughts on “Please forgive me – a letter to the dog”

  1. I cried my eyes out reading this–and remembered when we got Jeter, our latest lab, and those same set of comparisons with our former dog. Your old dog would be proud that your heart has grown, proud that you rescued and gave a forever home to another pup. Your past dog is somehow in the heart of this new dog too. As a lover of animals and one who has grieved the loss of each one over 64 years of living, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the tenderness and gentleness of spirit that this post touched in me. May you enjoy the new dog and never forget the old one. Healing allows for those things to exist in peace side by side within the heart. Much love and goodwill to you and your “complete” family!

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    1. I started this post and had to stop multiple times while writing it. It hurt at first too much to see the words, but they were words that needed to be said. After my first big sweetie passed, I didn’t think I could ever handle the hurt of another dog’s loss, but then I meet this girl and thought she is at least worth the effort of trying.

      From one animal lover to another, thank you so much for your kind thoughts.

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      1. I ve never had dogs tho I like dogs, only cats,but this made me cry,it’s written lovely,good luck and lots of love with your new pet,I’m sure your old pal would think it’s the right thing to do to get a rescue dog. x

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      2. Thank you so very much. Yes, I think he would too. He always loved to play with other dogs and I like to think he’s wagging his tail at us now.

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      3. I cried so much after reading the original post. This past summer my big furbaby was diagnosed with lymph nodes cancer, we had him on prednisone after being diagnosed, I did some research and with treatment only with prednisone normal is they live anywhere from 2-3 months, on February 3,2016 we noticed the swelling in his neck was back, I took him back to see the vet and they gave him a couple of shots and told me in 3 weeks I’ll see a change for the better or worse. Two days before I took him back we loss my Dad and we were going to have his Memorial Service on February 27,2016 I knew before leaving the vet’s office I would be losing my furbaby at the same time. The morning of my Dad’s Memorial Service I had to have my furbaby humanely euthanize, he had grown so weak and could hardly walk outside where I took him to potty. I truly believe he was waiting to see my daughters his girls who are away at college to tell them goodbye and to make sure I would have love and support he had given me for the past 9 1/2 years. Tomorrow it will be a week since he made his cross over Rainbow Bridge and I’m still a emotional mess, and miss him so much!! I know when I get to Heaven he’ll be there waiting for me tail wagging and big wet sloppy wet kisses like he gave me when I got home from a long day at work. The memory of my furbaby Duramax will stay with me forever!!

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      4. My heart hurts for you! We had four months from the time of diagnosis until it was no longer loving to keep treating the disease. I am crying reading your story too. You are in my thoughts.

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      5. I loved your post, I’m so happy you allowed another rescue into your life. I’m looking at my 12 yr old girl and it reminds me that our days may be numbered as well. I love older dogs, I love their gentle spirit. I will find another older rescue when the time comes. Thanks for sharing your story.

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      6. Thank you so much. So far, the new girl has been a wonderful addition to our home even if there are times I still grieve for the one we lost. I am getting to know her quirks, which has been a nice way of reminding me how very special and unique they all are.

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  4. It took us 18 months to recover enough heart and head space for another. He’s warming my feet as I write this comment. You love and keep loving and love again. That’s why they devote themselves to us as they do. If you want evidence of intelligent design then look at those eyes!

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    2. I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE TO HELP ANOTHER ANIMAL & YOUR STRENGTH TO FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO LET ANOTHER ANIMAL IN I JUST HAD TO PUT DOWN MY CAT OF 12 YRS & ON TIMES I FEEL GUILTY IN DOING SO HE WAS LOSING SO MUCH WEIGHT THROWING UP I JUST FELT SO SELFISH LETTING HIM GO ON THE WAY HE WAS MY MIND SAYS I DID THE RIGHT THING BUT MY HEART MISSES HIM SO MUCH . ANIMALS EITHER DOGS OR CATS GIVE SO MUCH LOVE IN RETURN RIP MY LEO

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      2. We had to do a similar thing with a cat a few years ago and everyone was devastated. As you say we know we did the compassionate thing but boy did it hurt. All the best to you and your memories of Leo.

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  6. I love this. I had a dog growing up that my parents got when I was in first grade. We finally had to put him to sleep when I was in college. It made such a difference in my childhood having that dog. I’ll always be grateful for my parents for letting us have him. I can’t have a dog now–my husband is just not a dog person, but we do have two cats…..I love them, but they aren’t the same as having a dog.

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    1. I grew up with dogs as well, but this one was particularly special to me, likely because he was the first that I was completely responsible for. We adopted him long before we had any children and joked that he was our first born. His loss was devasting and I really wasn’t sure that I would be ever willing to put myself through that again, but I saw how my children were around other people’s dogs and decided they deserved to know that kind of love and loyalty too.

      I am sure your cats love you too, even if they say it while being feline.

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  7. Utterly beautiful. I read this and it brought tears to my eyes. Wonderfully written and true to my own feelings and beliefs. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us all:)

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    1. It is bittersweet that my story is resonating with others. On one hand I am comforted knowing that others have gone through the same experience, but on the other, I wish the furry members of our families didn’t leave us so soon.

      Thank you very much for your kind words.

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  8. I will be sharing this most eloquent love letter with friends who have experienced this bittersweet transition. Your words will no doubt have them nodding their heads while a tear or two meets a smile. Bless you and your sweet girl! And of course, that girl’s dad and brothers, too!

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  9. It always freaks me out when animals stare into an empty corner like that. Or, worse, seem to follow an invisible object around the room. I’ll admit: my mind always goes to “ghost” first. You have to wonder…

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    1. It was either a case of ghosts, bizarre magnetic fields, or my big sweetie just had an odd sense of humor, but he would do it all the time. Especially if I was otherwise home alone.

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  10. I don’t know if you noticed that I overlap dogs by age. At first coincidental, but now because it helps with the transition. Not sure how I’d be if I ever was without a canine companion.

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    1. I hadn’t noticed that there was intention behind it. I just assumed you simply liked having multiple animals with one to act as a young pup and one to act as a mentor. It isn’t a bad strategy though.

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  12. So beautiful. The words went straight to my heart, the part where memory of such special furry friends so readily wells up. Best of luck with your new friend.

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  13. Very nice letter. I lost my 2 dogs (16 years old) 2 years ago, six months apart. I miss them a lot! I still find myself calling out their names when i get home from work. Kept their beds, their leash and down comforter blankets( they loved their blankets). Still grieving 😢😢😢

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  14. Well, they say the good thing about love is that the supply is potentially inexhaustible. Learning to love a new dog doesn’t mean having to love the previous one any less. You can love them both — right up to the maximum and completely guilt free!

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      1. Well, with luck it will fade with time, Allie. You’re not disrespecting the memory of your previous pet by loving a new one too. It’s a bit like having children from two different marriages. You can love the new ones without having to stop loving the old ones. 🙂

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  16. Aw! You really touched a chord. My first cat was Wolfie, a Maine Coon, and we had him for 13 years. He was, and will always remain, my “Bestest Boy.” A year or so after his passing, we acquired two rescue cats, both females. They are calicos, and we named them Cassandra Catherine and Calliope Catherine. We’ve now had them for over 12 years. They didn’t take Wolfie’s place, they just supplemented his presence (we keep his remains in what was once his food storage container, a cat-shaped China piece).
    Often when someone’s spouse dies, a couple’s mutual friends will feel betrayed somehow when the remaining partner remarries. If they would just understand that NO ONE (or no animal) can ever take the place of a deceased love one. We are all special and unique – and that goes for our pets, too!

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    1. I like how you phrased that, supplementing another’s presence rather than an attempt to replace. We purposely looked for a dog that either was a different color or a different shape hoping that would help minimize comparisons, but they still found a way. I am sorry to hear about Wolfie. It reflects highly on him that you chose to adopt not one but two afterwards.

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  18. Awwwww so gorjus what an adorable dog. I know what you mean about the guilt. It’s awful, were 2 years past our cats both passing in a month and I still can’t bring myself to… But we will. Eventually. That little pup is a stunner tho 💖💖 here’s to new memories

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    1. Thank you so much and you have my most sincere condolences for your dual loss. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been.

      She’s starting to let her guard down and her personality show, which has been therapeutic for us both. She’s such the sweetheart.

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  20. You can’t replace a dog, but you can give one a second chance. I am always saddened when someone tells me that they can never go through the pain of loving and ultimately losing a dog again because I know that this really means that there is some dog somewhere who could have this love and kindnesses, but will instead die alone in a cage. I love both of my dogs and dread the inevitability. However, I also know that other such souls will find me and that not only will they need me, but I will need them as well. When people ask me why I suffer through a difficult dog, I have one simple answer. She makes me a better person. Dogs just make us better. Thank you for the lovely blog post.

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      1. I lost my two cats last year. It was terrible. One died because he was sick, the other died a month later from what I believe was a broken heart. They were both elderly kitties, and I had them for 14 years. A few months later I found a stray cat with a horrible infection and a broken tail. I said that I would never keep him… and then all of a sudden he had a name… and a nick name…. and his own bowl… and toys… and was sleeping on my bed. Somehow the universe just works this way.

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      2. I liked this only for the universe working out in a way that brought you some bit of happiness even if it came with an infection and a broken tail.

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  21. Wow. Someone shared your post on my timeline because I lost my best buddy, Joe Boxer, at the end of December and we brought home a rescue puppy two weeks ago. I feel like you read my thoughts and put them to paper. Thank you.

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear about Joe. I am glad however that he found someone who loved him as much as you clearly did, and I am glad that you too are willing to give another rescue a second chance. Thank you so much for reaching out.

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  22. Thank you for writing this. In June of 2014 I lost my Great Dane, Ace. I loved that boy more than I ever thought possible. I miss him everyday. He could always make me laugh, even when I didn’t want to. I keep making excuses, my Chihuahua is to delicate for us to get another big dog, the cat will hate a big dog, I don’t have time for another dog. In reality, I know my heart just isn’t ready. I will want him to be Ace and I know that won’t be.

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    1. My heart goes out to you. I made so many excuses as well, but I deep down I knew I wasn’t ready to see another furry face when I came home at night. If you ever do decided to adopt again, I wish you all the best.

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  23. I remember my husband standing in my office the day after our cat became “The Late, Great, Rhett the Wondercat.” He swore that we would never again get another cat because it just hurt too much to lose our cat. He was my husband’s first ever cat and the first pet either of us had been responsible for as adults. About five months later, his sister wasn’t doing well and we went out in search of a new cat…and came home with a bonded pair.

    There will never be another Rhett the Wondercat. However, our life is so full thanks to this pair. Max, by the way, is a wonder in his own way and is a certified therapy cat. He will be almost impossible to replace 🙂

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    1. My new girl’s personality recently began to show and her quirks, while different, are in their own way endearing and are helping my healing process. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story as I am taking comfort in your outcome. I am so very happy that you found Max. May Rhett ever live on in your memory.

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  24. My oldest gal is approaching 15 years of age, with canine dementia making her progressively absent-minded. She is really irreplaceable, but when I first got her diagnosis I reached out to a national breed rescue group with absolutely no hope of hearing back from them. Not knowing how my gal’s situation would progress I was hesitant. After filling out the application I wrote the rescue group head and explained my situation thinking I would probably never hear back. She and I conversed over the months and discussed various dog when about a month ago she reached out with a special boy, a former puppy mill rescue whose elderly adopter had recently died. I told myself the time wasn’t right, the situation was not ideal, but I agreed to at least meet him. Long story short, he is getting the lay of the land in his new home. While he will never replace my old gal he needs me as much as I need him. Beautiful letter by the way…

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    1. I love that you found each other and agree that I likely need my new girl as much as she needs me. I am grateful for the rescue group I worked with. I am grateful for those they’ve saved and for working with me to find a dog that fits our family and not just our space. Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking a chance on another, even if the time was less than ideal.

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  25. I’m crying. Completely… I have no words. This: “Your dad tells me our family feels complete once again. But she’s not you.” And loving each other despite flaws, and asking forgiveness for beginning to love another… The repetition of “she’s not you.” You’ve so beautifully captured this… Just love. 💗

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    1. Thank you so much. The last few days have been a mix of emotions. I just wanted to tell my big guy how much I missed him. The night I posted this I dreamt of him and it was almost as if he was saying once again I’m still with you and it will be okay. The next day the new miss greeted me and stayed by my side all day.

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  26. Your blog really resonated with me. We have rescued and lost numerous dogs over the years in our multiple dog household and each has been a unique soul and personality with their unique challenges and beauties. Losing each of them was dreadful and sometimes I just wanted to dig a hole of grief and bury myself in it. Having to look after the remaining dogs forced me to cope and appreciate each day with them. I have come to realize that while their loss brings so much pain, I wouldn’t exchange that pain for the joy they bring and the memories they leave behind. Sometimes I find myself talking to the pictures of the ones who’ve gone on ahead and telling them about the current dogs, like you did. Bless you for rescuing and bless you for loving them so.

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    1. Bless you too for your kind words of support. I have come to the conclusion that I needed this new girl. She has shown patience and support when the waves of grief hit, even though she doesn’t understand their cause, and has already given me reasons to laugh and smile at her own unique antics. It is a transition to be sure, but I suspect that, like you, I would choose not to trade the pain of loss for the joy of their companionship.

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  28. That was beautiful, thank you for sharing your pain, as well as joy with those of us who are going through making the decision to give our love again.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words. While moments are hard, I do think that ultimately we made the right decision and wish you all the best as you contemplate the same.

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  29. I’m trying to hold back the tears but I know exactly how you feel. Only for me it was a cat…I couldn’t adopt another cat I went with a dog…I think I may be ready to finally bring home another kitty when things calm down around our house…but for now…the babies we have are enough…I do miss my baby girl with all my heart though. She was my best friend, I had her when it was just me on my own in college and through a lot of stuff by myself and then when my hubby and I got married and became a family, so losing her to cancer was very hard….and I felt cheated…I’m reading a book called Jack McAfghan: Reflections on Life with my Master by Kate McGahan…and it’s helping me to heal from the loss…just a thought….you might try it…

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    1. Thank you very much for the recommendation. Yes, I believe a part of my grief stems from the fact that my baby was lost due to cancer years before his time. I feel I should have had more years, but at least the years we shared were great.

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  30. Yes, I cried when I read this. We had 3 dogs & had list 1 in October to a rare blood disorder. I was depressed. My husband told me he missed my smile. He took me to many shelters. But none were my Lucy (an 8 yo affenpinscher). After a month I found a dog that brought my smile back. He was at an adoption fair. My husband knew he was the one. We got him, a beagle bull dog mix. A week later, a phone call about a shepherd & 8 2+ week old puppies were abandoned & locked in a solar room. The plan was to take food for the mom. Instead we rescued them. Yes 12 dogs in our home. After the pups were 8 weeks old we found 7 of them homes. We had mom spayed. The next day, we fell in love again at a shelter. We adopted #6. All this love because of a broken heart though losing a dog. I still miss my Lucy, but I know she would have been a great big sister!!!

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  31. I have 3 urns(collars, tags and pictures) on my mantel all my fur babies were special ….none like the others…Dryfuss lived to see 12. Tessie lived to see only 9, and the third Sheba..was a 14 year old rescue…that desperately needed a home. We had her for a year and a bit, when cancer took her from us ..Just after we celebrated her 15th birthday….Our newest boy Buddy also a rescue has just turned 8 lives well with our other Rescue Coty approx 15 … Trust when I say one will never replace another and one will never be like the others…. That’s the beautiful part about fur baby’s..they are all unique.. They have all taken a little part of my heart when they crossed the bridge..a wise person said that as they take a little part of your heart and the new one gives you their heart one day your heart may be replaced with all heart of a dog..and imagine how beautiful your heart will be…what a world it would be if we all had a heart of a dog…God Bless you and your family for rescuing your beautiful little lady she’s breathtaking…

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    1. Those are lovely words indeed. Thank you so much for sharing them as well as your story. I am glad to know that there are people like you out there, willing to open your heart to so many fur babies in need, and please accept my condolences for all those you’ve lost.

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  32. I cried every tear as I read every word…I could feel your pain even after three years. I have found that no matter how many times you have to say goodbye to an animal it never ever gets easier…but each person’s heart gets bigger every-time another another load of memories is put in…They may be gone but they are never forgotten

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    1. I suspect I’ll be having one-sided conversations with him for some time, but then again, maybe, just maybe when my new girl wags her tail or smiles at me, it will be his way of answering. Thank you so very much for your kind thoughts.

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  33. This could not have come at a better time. Just 5 short weeks ago I had to say goodbye to the one dog in my life that loved me beyond measure. We fostered him, a Rottweiler who was fear aggressive with people and dogs, after being chained to a tree, abused and half-starved for his first two years and adopted him soon after. He turned into the most mellow and loving dog ever. Our other dog is grieving and has never been alone as we always had at least one other dog, but now it is only him. Just the other day I saw a FB post about a news story in North Nashville where a Rottweiler was found emaciated and chained to a tree. Once I saw his sad face, I knew he would be ours. Right now he is at least 20 pounds underweight and covered in mange, but within a few months I know we can transform him. We will pick him up next week to foster him until his medical issues clear up, but I know he will stay. I am still crying every day for my Guinness, but I know he would approve. Thank you for writing about the feelings I have and will have once our new boy comes to us.

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear about Guinness, but I am glad there are people out there like you willing to truly rescue another even in times of grief. Thank you for your kindness.

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  34. My daughter always wanted a dog and it took me 20 years before I gave in and got her a puppy as a graduation gift. He turns 4 this month and I can’t imagine life without him. Reading this had me in a flood of tears as there have been times when I look at him and think that one day he won’t be around and how much just the thought of that kills me. He’s the best thing I ever did for myself for as much as he was for my daughter, he is certainly my dog just like I am his human.

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    1. I had those moments too after the first white hairs began to dot his muzzle, but especially after the tumor was first diagnosed. They are wonderful members of the family, aren’t they? I love how another person put it; they make us better people.

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  36. This was so lovely. I didn’t know that you’d lost a dog but I remember that you said that you had a rescued pet like we did, and that your dog found you – like ours did. She has become a part of our family too and she’d surely be missed if something happened to her.
    All the best with your new family member.

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    1. Thank you. We lost him three years ago, before I started the blog. The first few days were an emotional rollercoaster, but I am still glad we re-opened our home.

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  37. This is absolutely beautiful. Everything said in this letter is as if i had written it myself to my set man Max. My 16 year old Rottweiler whom i has since he was 5 weeks old. Best dog that ever existed. He been gone more for two years, and we now have a 1 1/2 year old shitzu/terrier mix. He is a handful…. Suffers from seperation anxiety so we have to lock him in his kennel when we go any where…. Even if it’s for the 2 minute it takes to walk my son to school right across the street. I do love him… The little shit, but he’s not my Max 😢

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    1. Thank you so much! My new girl has some fairly severe separation anxiety as well and it has been a bit of a struggle to keep her from completely redecorating the house if we leave for more than five minutes. Still it is nice to have someone to come home to again even if home is covered in debris.

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  38. It’s very hard to comment when one is still weeping. 4 years ago, we lost our beagle to old age. He was a pound-rescue when he was 3 and he lived 13 years with us. When my heart finally stopped breaking, and after we had moved to Northern Ontario, a puppy headed for the pound came into our lives. He’s 3 now and an interesting guard dog. He seems to be more human than dog, and as much as I did not want another dog, I have grown to love him. Somehow, I became his Alpha.
    Thank you for sharing such heart-warming, eloquent and tear-jerking memories.

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    1. And thank you for sharing your story. Dogs have the funniest way of worming their way into our affection even after heart break. I am glad you were able to give another a second chance.

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  39. This really spoke to my heart. We had to put down both of our furbabies in the last year, Jackson in December and Lady in June. I miss them so much even though they were the stickiest dogs and the worst puppies. Jackson actually ate an entire leather recliner when he was a puppy. We just added Pepper to our family, adopted from Operation Paws for Homes, and she is wonderful, but not like my other babies. They can never replace our loves, just add to them. I just give her a hug every time I miss my other mutts and think they would be happy we have another dog a safe, loving home.

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    1. Every day our new girl is with us I am even more sure my Ajax would approve. I still miss him terribly, but I’m enjoying the new memories we are making with her.

      Thank you so very much for sharing your Jackson and June and thank you for giving Pepper a chance.

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  40. The part about guilt resonates with me so much right now; I adopted Lola just one week after my Ghia went to the Bridge. I sometimes call her Ghi Ghi or Miss Ghia by mistake. I love her and all the emotional doggie baggage she came with, but I still haven’t gotten used to seeing her.
    I like to think that Ghia sent Lola to me, because she needs so much love, and Ghia knew that I could give it to her, without conditions.

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    1. I still have those moments too, when I absently pet a brown head thinking it should be black. But I don’t regret opening our home once more, even if it isn’t quite the same. She’s family now.

      I’m glad you and Lola found each other and that Ghia is still looking out for you.

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