Step one in the plan to take over the world

by Allie P., posted in Life as I know it
Pinky and the Brain
image quote courtesy of flickr

What’s this? Mom left her computer screen open. How convenient… It is I, the one and only LT and first of my name. You are also welcome to address me as your Future Supreme Leader of the World or the Exalted Captain Volcano Thunderclap as it is now only a matter of time before I assume my rightful place at the top of the world order. Let it not be said that I don’t offer choices. I am magnanimous that way.

Don’t listen to my brother. He is cray-cray. I also know he’s not supposed to be on the computer. I’m allowed to though because I’m the responsible one.

Kiddo? How? No, that doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m not cray-cray! The world is better off under my rule. I am serious! Picture it. Books and stuffed animals stacked as high as you could reach. More chocolate, ice cream, and all the milk you can drink. There will be mandatory bubble breaks for all and a swing set in every yard. It will be glorious. And those are just a few examples of the benefits of having me in charge. It will be the dawn of a new age of peace and prosperity.

Mom says you aren’t supposed to play on her computer. It’s one of the rules.

I don’t need mom’s permission to address the public. She writes about us all the time and never once asked my permission. Besides, they are my future subjects and they love me.

But I like it when mom writes about us. She’s making us famous. I think I should tell.

I see. You want to do this the hard way… Okay. If you tattle, I’ll tell her all about how you were playing Minecraft when you were supposed to be doing your homework or how you were the one to leave the LEGOs out last where mom and dad could step on them. Again. When I am done you will be lucky to ever leave the time-out chair.

You wouldn’t!

I would, and you know it.

I take your silence to mean we have an understanding. Now, since you are here, I could use your help.

I’m not sure. I don’t want to get in trouble.

You won’t get in trouble. Really, I only need you to do a small thing, a trifle even.

What’s a trifle?

It’s a small cake. You like cake.

Yeah, but obviously not as much as you do. I prefer healthy foods like proteins and fruit. We are learning all about making healthy food choices at school. You’ll learn about it too next year when you are finally big enough to come to my school. Mom says they used to call it a food pyramid when she was a kid, but it is a healthy plate now.

The only pyramids I am interested in are the ones they are going to build in my honor. Now back to the plan. I have decided it is time to initiate the next phase of my plan for global conquest, but in order to do so, I am going to need to reduce mom and dad’s overall ability to form a united resistance. That’s one of the first things I thought I’d taught you. That’s where you come in. For the next several nights, you and I will need to wake them up at random points in the early morning for whatever reason we can think of.

Like saying I heard a ghost opening my bedroom door or something scratching in the walls?

That’s perfect. Even better, wait until three am to tell her so that her imagination is just awake enough to run with it after you go back to bed. Then a night or so later, I’ll hear a thunderstorm and go into complete freak out mode even though the skies are completely clear.

Won’t that wake me up too?

It’s not like I just started planning my world takeover yesterday. I’ve been conditioning you against that since my infancy. Trust me. You will sleep right through it, but mom and dad won’t. A few more nights and they’ll be too exhausted to see straight, let alone pay attention to the next steps in the plan. It’s foolproof!

Do you really think that will work?

It’s already working. Do you really think I could have gotten this far if mom was really paying attention? Remember that whole thing with the cloud and the lost writing?

That was you? Oohhhhhhh…you are so getting into trrrrrooooubleeee…

I am neither denying or confirming I had anything to do with that incident. Besides – I’m cute. Even if I had something to do with it, and I am not saying I did, it’s not like I would be in trouble long. “I don’t know any better.” But that’s not the point. The point is that mom is distracted right now. You could probably tell her that she promised you a new dinosaur toy weeks ago for getting good grades and she’s probably tired enough to wonder if she actually did, and then just forgot.

Hmm, I would like more dinosaur toys, but…I still don’t know…

I’ll be your best brother…

Oh, alright then, but if mom or dad figures it out, you are on your own.

Excellent. We’ll talk again soon.

Very soon…

31 thoughts on “Step one in the plan to take over the world”

    1. Ha! I know what you mean. Kiddo and I had about a twenty minute discussion about it. I am telling you… the things they are teaching kids these days…

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  2. LT. It is I, Red, your willing accomplice. My mom was foolish enough to give me my own phone. Provide me with the coordinates for our next rendezvous. I am ready to set our grand plan into motion.

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    1. Ah Red, I was hoping you might be interested in joining forces. Together we will be unstoppable. Not that I was stoppable before, but now we will be even more unstoppable. We will be super unstoppable!

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  3. I’m on Team Food Pyramid. The food plate idea is confusing. Pyramids require building skills, plates look like Frisbees. Seems like a better idea to teach nutrition as something that you create, instead of something that you play games with. IMHO.

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  5. So that’s why the writing disappeared into the ether! It’s all beginning to make sense. Personally, I hope the dastardly schemes for world domination work out. When can expect delivery of my stuffed animals, chocolate and ice cream?

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    1. I’m secretly hoping it works out too. The increased demand on the food and stuffed animal industries is bound to help the economy. I just wish that the new age of peace and prosperity didn’t have to come at the cost of my sleep.

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  7. Yo Dawg, it is I, Toddler Black, King of the East oceans and bouncer of beds at 3am. I too have used these techniques they are full proof. I see you are wise and cunning. we should talk world domination.

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    1. Ah, Toddler Black, it is good to hear from you once again. Mom mentioned that you’d somehow managed to convince your mom to edit a manuscript while also hosting an international blog party. Bravo.

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  8. I love this. Hey, there are worse things than mandatory ice cream and bubble breaks. In fact, I think the presidential race would be a whole lot more fun this year if LT was running. We might end up with chocolate fingerprints in the Oval Office, but I’m pretty sure there’d be no wall surrounding our country.

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    1. LT has informed me in no uncertain terms of his opinion of a minimum age requirement of 35 years.

      There might be a wall, but it would be made of duplos and would come crashing down as soon as it was built just because.

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  10. This is great. It takes me back, twice over — once to when my two were plotting to take over the universe, and yet again to when I was a tomboy-of-a-young-girl plotting to do the same! Fabulous writing, Allie đŸ™‚

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  12. This could be a good thing, if your kids took over you might finish the long awaited sequel to fair and foul, which you have promised includes dragons, wands and broomsticks.

    I used to love that cartoon, do they till make it?

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    1. I am all for it!

      I read a rumor that they were considering bringing back Pinky and the Brain, but so far it’s only reruns. I loved that show though. Little did I know then how much my kids would resemble it later.

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