One Nearly Foolproof Way to Achieve Absolutely Nothing

by Allie P., posted in Life as I know it

One Nearly Foolproof Way to Achieve Absolutely Nothing - www.alliepottswrites.com #beach #sharks #quotes

“There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.” – P. G. Wodehouse

While the cure for gray hairs might only be death, spending a weekend at the beach accompanied by a handful of close friends, a box of wine, and neither kids nor spouses in sight, sure goes a long way toward treating its spread.

We’d arrived after work Thursday afternoon. The sky was blue and the air was still warm from the midday sun though occasionally gusts kept it from becoming unpleasant. Half of the group had arrived earlier and were already well into relaxation mode as I let the sand fill the space between my toes. I looked out to the sea. We meet again, my nemesis.

The sea waved back.

A surf shop at the beach swears by Sharkbanz, which I also refer as my bat-shark repellent. I can’t say it works, but I can say it hasn’t not worked when I’ve worn mine. Image will take you to affiliate link

To be clear, it is not the ocean I have a problem with, but its denizens. Even so, I looked out to the horizon determined. This was the year. I would go swimming with my friends rather than sit on the shore watching their antics with envy, helpless against my galeophobia (that’s fear of sharks) which seemed to have only grown stronger with every year, exponentially more so since my children were born.

I wasn’t always like this. I am sure once upon a time I was able to view a shark and see it the same way my children do – as merely a large meat eating fish rather than the soulless killing machines they are – a predator so perfect it stopped evolving back with the dinosaurs still roamed. I can blame part of it on my teachers in primary school. You see, and some of you may be shocked to read this, I wasn’t exactly the best-behaved child in the classroom. As a result, I was given the opportunity to earn a bit of extra credit by writing a few research papers. Unfortunately, while the teacher’s changed, the topic didn’t – sharks.

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school” – Albert Einstein

I’m sure as far as my teachers were concerned the topic was harmless enough. They probably even thought I would enjoy it. After all, sharks are fascinating as the popularity of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week proves. However, my teachers didn’t anticipate the scope of my imagination. When I read that some sharks, such as the Bull Shark (a highly aggressive species) can swim quite happily in either salt, brackish, or freshwater, my young mind immediately came to the conclusion that they could be lurking in all lakes, regardless as to size or how far a particular body of water happened to be from the ocean.

I became convinced that there was a shark living in the lake near my father’s house. Not wishing to be the only one stuck on land, I convinced my younger sister that there was an invisible shark living in our mother’s pool too. (If you are reading this, sis – love you and happy birthday again).

“Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life” – Charles M. Schulz

Yes - it's a shark in the roof.
Okay – so technically this is not the aftermath of a real Sharknado, but the Headington Shark in Oxford does illustrate my point nicely. Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com

You laugh, but it could happen. There are several species of animals with transparent skin and much that we haven’t discovered yet leaving underwater. Also, Sharknado isn’t as fictitious as it sounds. Sharks have, in fact, been known to fall from the sky.

You might be wondering then why a person with issues a phobia like mine would enjoy going to the beach as often as I do. All I can say is this – it is the beach.

The sand, the sound, and breath-taking sunsets call to me like a siren. While it very well could lead to my death, I’ve found no other place where the command to sit and enjoy the moment is so strong. I love the mountains too, but while I may be cut off from civilization, I am still compelled to be constantly on the move – to hike, to explore, or to otherwise look for the next spectacular view.

But the ocean is different. Though you might sit for hours in the same spot, the view is never the same. Sands shift and tides change.

The ocean is a good reminder that everything changes with time. People too.

After spending most of my annual weekend ridiculed (gotta love good friends) and afraid last year, I decided enough was enough. While the fear might never go away completely, I would not let it rule me. Watching my friends in the water, I’d remembered a trick for handling my fear. It worked too. As long as I kept my eyes on the horizon and never looked into the shadows, I could wade out as deep as my shoulders. I could even swim a few strokes. Unfortunately, I hadn’t recalled this until it was nearly time to pack up and go home.

But that was last year. This year would be different. I just knew it. I went to bed that night convinced I would stun them all in the morning.

“Everybody’s got plans… until they get hit.” – Mike Tyson

The next day rain pelted down courtesy of a tropical depression that had made landfall in Florida earlier that week. It would appear my plans for phobic domination would have to wait.

Proving if you are looking for one nearly foolproof way to achieve absolutely nothing all you have to do is count on the weather.

What are the Odds of?...
and may the odds be ever in your favor…
Infographic courtesy of Visually.
Quotes courtesy of http://www.brainyquote.com

 

27 thoughts on “One Nearly Foolproof Way to Achieve Absolutely Nothing”

  2. Sorry you didn’t get to swim this year. (And sorry to hear you tortured your sister at a young age.) At least the beach is a soothing place to take a break from every day life, even if you are enduring the taunts of your dearest girlfriends. That sounds like a great getaway to me!

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  4. Some of those odds are scary – like the Earth destroying meteor and the likelihood of being killed by a dog. And I guess I can give up on Powerball.
    So did you get into the water??? I saw Jaws at age 16 when it first came out and didn’t go in the ocean for 15 years. Ha ha. Then, I decided to face my fears and took scuba diving classes! I have now dived with sharks on several occasions and even touched one. Not that I’m looking to be lunch to a Great White, but they are so less scary than they once were. Next year, Allie! Go for it.

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    1. I agree – the meteor odds were troublingly low. I’ve decided not to dwell on that one.

      The sun came out around three o’clock, so I did manage to get into the water, but although the sky was finally blue, the breakers remained usually strong. I would go in only for the ocean to promptly toss me back out – not that I complained much. My friends did, however, cheer for me, so I am going to count it as a victory.

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    2. Incidentally, as terrified as I am, I have gone scuba diving before. I’ve found I am much less imaginative and more willing to enjoy the water when I can actually see what’s around me.

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  5. Great infographic. You can totally do this ocean thing. I have a friend from land-locked Kenya who freaks when we go to the beach b/c of sharks. Also, the ocean waved back=priceless. Way to go on that one.

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  6. I get where you’re coming from on this shark thing. I like the concept of being in the ocean, and can even overlook sand inside my swimsuit, but then I remember how sharks have such big teeth– and how to them I’d be a nice plump morsel to munch on. Suddenly, sitting on the beach seems prudent.

    Also, that infographic is great. Thanks to it I’ll not live in fear of my toilet, but am disheartened to learn that Bruce Willis is not all that I thought he was.

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  8. I, too, share your galeophobia. For years, I fished at night in the surf for striped bass, never once considering the enhanced potential for being attacked by a shark. Now, my ritual never varies: I stand at the edge of the water, scan the surface for fins, and, finding none, bend down, splash my face, shoulders, torso, and legs with salt water, and promptly return to my blanket. I repeat the ritual as needed. Works for me! 🙂

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