What’s this? Mom left her computer screen open. How convenient… It is I, the one and only LT and first of my name. You are also welcome to address me as your Future Supreme Leader of the World or the Exalted Captain Volcano Thunderclap as it is now only a matter of time before I assume my rightful place at the top of the world order. Let it not be said that I don’t offer choices. I am magnanimous that way.
Don’t listen to my brother. He is cray-cray. I also know he’s not supposed to be on the computer. I’m allowed to though because I’m the responsible one.
Kiddo? How? No, that doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m not cray-cray! The world is better off under my rule. I am serious! Picture it. Books and stuffed animals stacked as high as you could reach. More chocolate, ice cream, and all the milk you can drink. There will be mandatory bubble breaks for all and a swing set in every yard. It will be glorious. And those are just a few examples of the benefits of having me in charge. It will be the dawn of a new age of peace and prosperity.
Mom says you aren’t supposed to play on her computer. It’s one of the rules.
I don’t need mom’s permission to address the public. She writes about us all the time and never once asked my permission. Besides, they are my future subjects and they love me.
But I like it when mom writes about us. She’s making us famous. I think I should tell.
I see. You want to do this the hard way… Okay. If you tattle, I’ll tell her all about how you were playing Minecraft when you were supposed to be doing your homework or how you were the one to leave the LEGOs out last where mom and dad could step on them. Again. When I am done you will be lucky to ever leave the time-out chair.
I would, and you know it.
I take your silence to mean we have an understanding. Now, since you are here, I could use your help.
I’m not sure. I don’t want to get in trouble.
You won’t get in trouble. Really, I only need you to do a small thing, a trifle even.
What’s a trifle?
It’s a small cake. You like cake.
Yeah, but obviously not as much as you do. I prefer healthy foods like proteins and fruit. We are learning all about making healthy food choices at school. You’ll learn about it too next year when you are finally big enough to come to my school. Mom says they used to call it a food pyramid when she was a kid, but it is a healthy plate now.
The only pyramids I am interested in are the ones they are going to build in my honor. Now back to the plan. I have decided it is time to initiate the next phase of my plan for global conquest, but in order to do so, I am going to need to reduce mom and dad’s overall ability to form a united resistance. That’s one of the first things I thought I’d taught you. That’s where you come in. For the next several nights, you and I will need to wake them up at random points in the early morning for whatever reason we can think of.
Like saying I heard a ghost opening my bedroom door or something scratching in the walls?
That’s perfect. Even better, wait until three am to tell her so that her imagination is just awake enough to run with it after you go back to bed. Then a night or so later, I’ll hear a thunderstorm and go into complete freak out mode even though the skies are completely clear.
Won’t that wake me up too?
It’s not like I just started planning my world takeover yesterday. I’ve been conditioning you against that since my infancy. Trust me. You will sleep right through it, but mom and dad won’t. A few more nights and they’ll be too exhausted to see straight, let alone pay attention to the next steps in the plan. It’s foolproof!
Do you really think that will work?
It’s already working. Do you really think I could have gotten this far if mom was really paying attention? Remember that whole thing with the cloud and the lost writing?
That was you? Oohhhhhhh…you are so getting into trrrrrooooubleeee…
I am neither denying or confirming I had anything to do with that incident. Besides – I’m cute. Even if I had something to do with it, and I am not saying I did, it’s not like I would be in trouble long. “I don’t know any better.” But that’s not the point. The point is that mom is distracted right now. You could probably tell her that she promised you a new dinosaur toy weeks ago for getting good grades and she’s probably tired enough to wonder if she actually did, and then just forgot.
Hmm, I would like more dinosaur toys, but…I still don’t know…
I’ll be your best brother…
Oh, alright then, but if mom or dad figures it out, you are on your own.
Excellent. We’ll talk again soon.