How to win friends and influence people

As dictated by my recently turned two year old

Taking command of any situation has always come naturally to me, but now that I track my age in terms of years rather than months, I’ve come to recognize that the path to success and world dominance may be more mysterious to others. I commanded one of my servants to write down my observations so that those that follow behind them may benefit from my years of experience.

Each of us are born with a set of tools, that when properly deployed, can ensure successful command of the servant set known as Mom and Dad. These tools are the piercing cry, the appearance of helplessness, and natural cuteness.

Step 1: Neutralize Potential Rivals with Speed and Extreme Prejudice

It is true that you cannot choose your family. For those of you who are placed in homes with two servants, you must exert your dominance. They may have the false belief that because they outnumber you they get to control the schedule. You must clear up this misconception immediately.

I found the easiest way to do this is through the process of divide and conquering. In my case I selected one of the two to ‘favor.’ For several months, I would allow none but the chosen one (Mom) to carry me around the house or feed me through effective use of a combination of the aforementioned piercing cry and sleep deprivation. While wearing down the resistance level of Mom, this tactic also causes the second servant (Dad) to be filled with feelings of inadequacy and/or guilt. Once conditioned, all I had to do is favor Dad with the smallest attention and he was volunteering to do my bidding.

It is important not to maintain the illusion of favor for too long of a period otherwise it will lose its effectiveness. I recommend that after no more than a year, you suddenly switch preference for no apparent reason. This will leave both servants wondering what they did to change your favor.

Secondly, do whatever you can to drastically alter the frequency and consistency of your bowel movements. This will cause the occasional discomfort, but it is worth it in the long run. Your servants will become obsessed with tracking your changes. This will become a frequent conversational topic even when you grant them a night out insuring that by granting them some alone time you do not inadvertently open the door for a younger, cuter housemate.

Step 2: Allow for the Appearance of Hope

Next, I found that many children make the mistake of walking very early on. I understand the temptation. It can be hard to properly train your servants and you may grow frustrated if they do not immediately jump to execute your commands, but do not give in. Once you begin to move about on your own, they will begin to question their continued belief in your helplessness. It is much, much better that you continue to demand that they carry you around everywhere. They will learn to love the additional time you spend together in doctors’ offices talking about you.

However you do not want them to become discouraged with your progress. It is important that you occasionally look like you are making an effort. Attempt to pull up on furniture, but fall immediately. Let them know you are healthy – as this will prevent shots, but just not ‘ready.’

Another good tactic is to point towards your hind end and say the word ‘potty’. This will cause the servants to start to dream about the day they no longer have to buy diapers. They will place you on a potty seat. Crush this dream by never, ever doing your business when and where they want. Laugh at their pleas as if you don’t understand.

As long as your servants believe there is hope for a change from the status quo, they will be less likely to rebel and or force you to do something not of your choosing.

Step 3: Dominate the Room. Any Room.

Eventually though, the temptation will grow too strong and you’ll mess up. They’ll catch you taking steps. They will start to question their belief in your helplessness. Once that occurs you will need to make them regret ever worrying about your development by getting into everything. They will think that it is now time to challenge your authority. Show them who is boss by breaking something they treasure. This will also help them to devalue material possessions. They will thank you in the long run.

Exert your personal style everywhere. Walls will be made better by your art. If those papers your older servants left out were so important they would have already been attended to. The servant called Mom doesn’t need to be distracted by magazines. Tear them up. They take attention away from you.

Step 4: Exude Irresistibility

After you conduct the required level of destruction, you will need to act quickly to stop the vein from pulsing in their forehead. Grab a stuffed animal, cock your head, and bat your eyelashes. No toys nearby? Placing leftover food in your hair also seems to work. Parrot their words while changing one or two syllables will win them back over to your side in a heartbeat. You will know you have achieved success when the camera comes out.

Step 5: Continuously Cultivate Allies

If you find yourself in a home with an older child, attempt to mimic a handful of things he or she does. He or she will then believe you want to be just like them. When the older servants attempt to challenge your authority, a well trained older sibling can be relied upon to sneak you toys and treats, and serve as a convenient scapegoat.

Finally, the greatest secret is to never, ever show any signs of disobedience in front of the servants’ parents (grandparents). This will ensure that the grandparents, who are more naturally prone to cave in and give you anything you want with minimal manipulation, will not believe your servants’ complaints about your behavior. Lacking allies, your Mom and Dad will be further forced to do your bidding.

By following these easy tips, you have a household running to your satisfaction in no time.